wing-e

26th May 07 -

I keep thinking how nice it could be if I can end all these. Must be very release.
I notice I am leading myself to the dead end again. There has no light but full of noise.
I don’t know what to do, I feel so pain. I want to cut myself and see the pain leave my body.
I just want to end all these, all my thought is negative. I can’t see the reason to live, what’s the point?
Here is full of painful and tears. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know

3th May 07 - first accident in office

I was cutting a role of paper with cutter. Then Ellis came talk to me, my head turned up to him but my hand didn’t stop… that’s how it happened.
Do you know where is your “life line” on your palm? I cut myself around the bottom of the line. Strange place to cut, I guess this is first time I hurt that area.
I never cut myself since I work in this office (touch wood!) This is first time in 10 months.

Now I try to find out which plaster matching my clothes tomorrow. I have transparency / skin colour and cartoon style.
Tomorrow is Friday, I will probably put on the cartoon one. It will match my pick colour slippers.

1st May 07 - I’ll wear gold colour high heels tomorrow

With camel colour sleeveless top and dark navy / white stripes skirt (with gold colour trims at bottom). And I will put on blue colour eye lines with little pink cheeks and lipgloss.

Guys, imagine you are me…..very bored isn’t it?

I do wish I can share something more exciting with you. Like my “guy’s report” or even “sex report” (YOU WISH!)
I spend allot of time with my ex-bfss. They are ’safe person’ to hang out with right now.
I do have guyss running behind me…I don’t know, I just don’t feel anything. It’s sad.
I really want to fall in love, but I know I am not ready.

Lets wish I will meet a hot guy tomorrow, cross our fingers!

30th April 07 - I need a serious F =(

What did I do in the past few days? Not really sure, I feel like my mind wasn’t with me.
I remember I got very drunk one night, and cried like crazy. My eyes looked like a gold fish in the next day.
When my eyes back to human shape, I went to get my nails done. I chose chocolate brown for my toes and coral colour for my finger nails. They look happy with the colour. I also went to tanning salon get my skin toasted.
And…what else? of course I went shopping.

I do remember what I bought, I got 3 pairs of shoes. 1 slippers 2 high heels (4″ and 4-1/2″ high) and 2 skirt / 2 dress / 2 tee / 2 bras / 1 pantie / 1 skull ring and 1 skull necklace. I love the skull necklace, it’s in a 3D skull shape with crystals cover all over the surface. It’s scary and beautiful.

EC took me to movie, a stupid “men movie” with guns + black guys + car chasing + explosion…Men, you are so complicated.

26th April 07 - totally fucked up

What happened in 25th? I didn’t even write my blog. I went out with a guy, someone came from Shanghai recently. We have dinner and went for drink. I was fine until he talk about his girl from Shanghai is coming to visit him next week, because it will be a long week holiday in china.

Then I thought about him, what he going to do in holiday?
More I thought about the whole thing, more I felt got fooled.
Then I start to drink, as much as possible to shut down my brain. It works, I passed out.

My friend told me he was thinking to call doctor, cos I kept vomiting many times…even passed out in toilet. Lucky the maid just came yesterday, so the toilet floor was pretty clean.

I didn’t go to work today, I feel very sick. Still feel weak after slept whole day. This is very bad thing to do, skip to work because hang over.
I am a smart girl most of time, but when it goes in relationship. I am a totally idiot. I been manage my life quite well over a year. I try to be good to myself. But seems my old “habit” never change. Instead of take care of my broken heart. I made myself even more miserable.

You are fucked up, Alice. This is very simple, he don’t want you. You got to accept it.

24th April 07 - the sky feels sad today

It cried very serious for whole afternoon. What made her so sad? If I know she is so emotional, I wouldn’t tell her my story…

Hong Kong Observatory : Local Weather Forecast
A trough of low pressure is affecting the northern part of the South China Sea.
Cloudy with a few rain patches. Slightly cooler in the morning. Temperatures will range between 19 and 23 degrees. Moderate northerly winds.

23th April 07 - french “asshole”

Nothing special happened today, except I called someone I shouldn’t call. And made myself depress.
I knew it won’t make me feel any better. I knew we are on the process to end. And I knew, I would still call. Because I missed talk to him.

Then I spend the rest of the night in someone else’s home. I was hoping other people’s arms could make me feel less pain.

We know something isn’t right, but we still doing. Eventually we need to do more silly things to cover the one before.
This is just SO me.

French is not asshole, I just learn how to speak asshole in French. This language is amazing, even “asshole” sounds so elegant =)

22rd April 07 - I hate myself

Left you two months already, two months and one day. It feels forever. It is forever.
Maybe I got “poisoned” too much; or maybe I just don’t want to let go. Either way still keeps my mind going back again and again.
What am I waiting?

Meanwhile I keep turn down peoples. It is not fun. I know how it feels. I am sorry.

21st April 07 - bored

Woke up late with hang over today. Met friend for lunch then looked around try to find him a place.
We checked few places, he said he never seen a place small like that. You are in Hong Kong, man…

Saturday night, I feel so bored. I need a boyfriend.

20th April 07 - pretty + good heart = curse

The fact is, I am really a too kind girl. I always say yes when people come to me ask for help.
Maybe because I am too nice, and easy going. Plus I am pretty and attractive.

That makes some people thought I really can “help” for “everything”.
I understand they feel lonely in this new city. I am willing to help; like find a place to stay or show them places to shop whatever.
But it doesn’t mean I will offer sex too… My god, What those men thinking?

Dear God,
You gave me a pretty out appearance / smart brain and a good heart. But you forgot to give me Luck.

I am waiting.